The Real Reason People Aren't Listening
“When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good.”
This week, I'm teaching my Applied Coaching class at Harvard.
It's four long, immersive days. No hiding. No passive note-taking. Students coach each other, get feedback in front of the room, and confront something most leaders quietly struggle with.
Coaching sounds simple. It's not.
Most people come in believing coaching is about helping other people change. Helping them listen better, stay motivated, and do the things we already know they should do.
Then reality hits.
The conversation doesn't go as planned. The person gets defensive. Nothing actually shifts.
That's when the familiar story shows up: "They're not listening." "They're not coachable." "They don't really want to change."
But here's what we spend the week sitting with: Most people aren't not listening. They're reacting to how the message is being delivered.
In coaching, we use a simple but demanding lens: Self/Other/The Space In Between.
What am I bringing into this interaction? My assumptions, urgency, frustration, tone, values? What is the other person bringing? Their fears, motivations, history, and capacity? And what’s happening between us that’s either supporting or undermining our shared goals?
To be clear, this isn't just about "coaches."
If you manage people, you are coaching every day. Any time you give feedback, run a 1:1, address underperformance, set priorities, or try to influence how work gets done, you are shaping behavior through conversation.
Most managers were trained to manage outcomes, not dynamics. We're taught what to say, not how our presence, assumptions, and delivery shape whether that message can actually be heard.
When leaders skip the self part of the equation, coaching turns into pressure. Or persuasion. Or control.
People feel that. Even if they can't name it.
Why Most Coaching Fails
Coaching requires leaders to tolerate discomfort. It asks you to resist fixing. To notice your impulse to be right. To stay curious when you feel ignored or challenged.
That's not intuitive, especially when decisiveness is what got you promoted.
What I watch unfold in class every year is striking. As soon as students slow down and take responsibility for their side of the dynamic, something shifts. The conversation softens. The other person stays engaged. Change becomes possible.
Not because the leader said the perfect thing, but because they created conditions where the message could actually land.
The Psychology of Influence
Here's what the research shows: more pressure often means less influence.
According to Gartner research surveying over 7,000 professionals, "Always-On" managers, the ones who provide constant, indiscriminate feedback, actually degrade employee performance by up to 8%. Not because they care too much, but because the volume and intensity of their coaching overwhelms people and prevents them from learning.
The paradox is real. When we push harder, people pull back. When we slow down and attend to the dynamic between us, change becomes possible.
High-performing teams don't just have managers who say the right things. They have leaders who understand how their presence shapes whether any message can be received.
The Groops Take
At Groops, this pattern shows up everywhere.
Teams often come to us asking how to get people to communicate better, align faster, or take more ownership. But the real leverage almost always comes earlier, helping leaders see how they're contributing to the very dynamics they want to change.
This isn't about self-blame. It's about recognizing where you actually have influence.
When leaders learn to work skillfully with self, other, and the space in between, conversations stop being power struggles. They become productive again. That's when coaching moves from theory to performance.
Something to Try: The Three-Lens Reset
The next time you feel frustrated that someone "isn't listening," pause and ask:
Self: What am I bringing into this conversation right now: emotionally, cognitively, behaviorally?
Other: What might be true for them that I'm not fully accounting for?
Space Between: What tone or pattern is forming between us, and how is it affecting our shared goal?
Don't fix anything yet. Just notice.
Often, awareness alone is enough to change the conversation. And if you find yourself thinking, this feels harder than it should be, you're right. Coaching is hard. But when done well, it's one of the most powerful tools leaders have for unlocking trust, performance, and real change.
Ready to Stop Managing the Symptom and Start Shifting the Dynamic?
At Groops, we help leaders move past the "they won't change" story and see what's actually happening in the space between. Using the same Self/Other/Space Between framework taught in class, our team psychologists help you identify how your assumptions, urgency, and delivery are shaping whether your message can land so you can stop pushing harder and start influencing better.
Because when coaching feels like a power struggle, the problem isn't usually the person you're trying to help. It's the dynamic neither of you can see.